If you were roped into reading this, thinking it was some Cosmo-esque sex hook, I am sad to say you might be disappointed. But if you want to just learn a couple of little things about women that will put you head and shoulders above your brethren, read on!
Being in a relationship, there are going to be some things that drive each of you crazy about the other. Some of it is good crazy, some of it is bad crazy. There are certain patterns that men and women fall into, especially when it comes to being in a long-term relationship. These little quirks are enhanced if said couple is also co-habitating.
I did an extremely scientific poll of about 25 women, asking what things their men do that really drive them to distraction, thinking I would get a glimpse into the dirty secrets of the other half: people in long term relationships. Instead, I got eerily similar lists of the “little things” that, if they had an audience, women everywhere would beg for just a few days solace from. In case you want to give your girl a little treat (and reap the benefits of a grateful woman), try a two-week period of following the advice of these seasoned ladies and heed their pleas. The best part is, if you do it, and your girl doesn’t even notice a change, consider claims of ceaseless nagging noted and carry on your merry way ignoring them. Clearly the problem is hers.
With a clear lead above all the rest, the ladies would ask that, just once or twice a month (like I said, try it for a couple of weeks anyway), you would wash your dishes, clean the toilet, vacuum a floor, do a load of laundry and make a meal without making them scold you like your mother did before them. Women don’t want to sound like their mothers, and they certainly don’t want to be mistaken for yours (the saint though she is!). They know that’s not sexy. But it’s not the 1950s any more, so quit acting like it is. (Oh, and only expect praise for actually helping out the first few times you do it. You’re cleaning the toilet, not solving world hunger, so let’s keep things in perspective.) Feel free to expect the ladies to step up lawn mowing and snow shovelling duties in proportion to your domestic contributions.
Don’t Make Them Worry
Girls worry. They just do. Soon after the first breath they draw, they start worrying about if they cried too loud or if their cried upset someone, or god forbid if it caused an accident. Because accidents happen all the time. And despite what you think, when you aren’t home when you say you will be, their first thought isn’t that you’re out getting a lap dance, it’s that you’re dead in a ditch and your wallet was thrown clear, so they haven’t been able to identify you in order to call home. This accounts for at least half of the anger that they unleash when you come home late, sprinkled with stripper dust. They are angry that they have spent the last 3 hours worrying about someone who didn’t think about them even long enough to call home. They know that you say you aren’t calling home because you don’t want grief, but when you’re going to get it anyway, isn’t it just a little more humane to assuage their paralyzing fear that they lost you (and then subsequent disappointment that they didn’t)?
Women Need A Warm Up Before They Get Down
Women’s bodies are different from men’s. I know you’ve heard the rumors, but women the world over would like you to know that it’s true! Women need some time to get aroused. We call it foreplay. Remember the lengths that you would go to in order to get laid before you had that “sure thing” (irony is funny, isn’t it?) laying beside you? Well, women would like just about 1% of that effort expended in getting them in the mood for some good lovin’. In return, I am sure that they will consider not making you beg like a dog for it every time. Maybe you can even negotiate some sort of reciprocal “more initiation on her part in exchange for more foreplay” agreement. I’ll leave the details up to you.
Further to the “can’t purr with a cold engine” predicament, many women are not receptive to you trying to have sex with them while they are asleep. It goes along with the whole “needing time to warm up” and is also wrapped up in the fact that women need to feel attractive to want to have sex, and the whole morning breath, eye snot package just doesn’t cover that (your breath isn’t helping, tiger).
Are You Deaf?
We know you’re not, on some level, but on every woman’s list was a complaint that their man doesn’t listen to them. Now we can make all sorts of conjecture about why that is (quit nagging; why are you telling me your problems if you don’t want a solution?; ya, I heard you the first hundred times you told me to do that), and I’m sure that, if pressed, women could be persuaded that there are times when they just talk and talk and talk to the point of saturation. It is a circular argument, however, because the proof that you aren’t listening is the fact that you haven’t done what they’ve asked. Since you will already be anticipating the things that she nags you about (see: indentured servitude), the noise should already be at a minimum. For two weeks, if what is requested is reasonable, just respond with a clear message of when you get around to the task, and follow through. Your reward is less noise pollution interfering with the game.
Go To The Doctor
This is a subsection of our worrying complex, which is exacerbated by the fact that sometimes, men aren’t great at coping when they are not feeling well. Sometimes it’s all they can talk about, and women are happy to mother you, to a point. But at a certain point, you have to be a man and go get that looked at. I promise, your lady will be so proud of you.
The last two are pretty small, but got honorable mentions. First, if your balls are so itchy that you have to scratch them in public, or for extended periods of time on the couch, you gotta get that shit looked at. I can guarantee you that no woman will want something that itchy coming near any orifice of her body. And finally, seriously, put the toilet seat down. Yes, I know the arguments for keeping it up, but the bottom line is that you don’t fall in if the seat isn’t up.
Consider this your own little experiment into finding out the truth of your lady: is she complaining just to be a chatter box, or will heading these pleas actually make your every day life together just a little sweeter?