Discussing Sex: Get What You Want by Talking About it First

Published on Author GG RayLeave a comment


If you have ever tried to have a conversation with your lover about sex, then you know how awkward it can be. Tell her that you want her to try something different, and she could think she’s a bad lover and get upset. Or maybe you just want to try something kinky? And now she thinks you are a pervert and that she’s a bad lover. Or worse yet, you start to talk about things you want her to do, and then she drops a bomb in your lap – like she has never had an orgasm during sex. It’s these kinds of thoughts and fears that keep two people from having ‘the conversation’.

This article will give you some ideas on how you can broach the delicate subject of sex – indirectly and directly. There are wrong ways and right ways to do this, so keep reading if you want things to get better.

Asking advice

If you are like most of the human race, then you seek out advice when you have a problem. Why? Because it is always good to seek good advice from people who have it to share. However, when seeking advice on your personal sex life, a certain level of delicacy must be employed. Here are some examples:

Close male friend

If the friend is one of your buddies, you can probably trust him not to share your intimate secrets. However, he also may not have the experience to help you out with your problem. If you are only asking him because he is a ‘player’, then he might start hitting on your girlfriend because he senses weakness. You also have to be wary if his girlfriend is close to your girlfriend. The urge for him to blab to her might be too great, meaning your lady will find out. So it is alright to seek a friend’s advice, but make sure the person has it to offer before you start talking. And speak in generalities before you get personal. He might even offer up information without you having to reveal too much.

Pros: confidentiality, ease of conversation, can relate to what you are going through.

Cons: bad advice from a male perspective, he may tell his girlfriend, unless he shares with you, then he will always have this ‘secret’ on you.


The nice thing about relatives is that the family link means they have something invested in you. It is in their best interest to keep your relationship working, since collectively it means the whole family is working. Plus, the odds are they won’t share what you have told them with anyone else, although this is not always the case with every family. There are also a few downsides. 1) You don’t want to feel awkward around this person every time you run into them at a family gathering. 2) There will be a limit on what you can discuss. If you are trying to convince your girlfriend to have a threesome, you won’t be able to talk to your aunt about it first.

Pros: confidentiality, they want to keep you together, quality advice.

Cons: embarrassing family dinners, limit on what you can tell them.

Close female friend

This is probably the source that most of use, and with good reason. Since you are trying to get ‘insider’ knowledge on how the female mind works, then you would naturally turn to a female friend. Plus, since she may have similar issues with her own boyfriend, she might be able to tell you how she would like to see him resolve the problem. But there are problems here as well. First, you need to consider how close she is to your girlfriend and/or if there is any animosity between them. If they are really close, there is a chance she will tell your girlfriend what you have told her. Now that can be an element you can exploit if you are trying to plant an idea or suggestion, but it could also be very harmful. Second, if this friend likes you, then she may give you bad advice, or see your questions as a come on. Third, if she doesn’t know your girlfriend well, the advice she gives you might be what she wants, meaning it may not work on your girlfriend. For example, if you are trying to get your girlfriend to give you more oral sex, the friend you ask might tell you to reciprocate more. However, perhaps your girlfriend doesn’t like oral sex.

Pros: quality advice, she has probably been there already, knows what a woman wants, knows both you and your girlfriend – so she will think of ways to help you both, not just one or the other.

Cons: she may tell your girlfriend; she may like you; she may hate your girlfriend. You need to be wary of all these angles.

Indirect conversation

If you know that your girlfriend is uncomfortable about talking about sex, then you might want to try the indirect approach. Here are a few examples:

  • Rent a movie that has a sex scene in it that demonstrates what you want to try with her. (It doesn’t have to be a bad porn movie). During or after the movie, you could casually mention that you would like to give that a try. Or ask her what she thought about it, and see if she shows any interest. If you do this enough, the odds are that she will see that you are trying to tell her something. The trick is not to make her feel bad, or make her think that you are a pervert.
  • Try something new in bed. Repetition is never a good idea, since long-term relationships will eventually require some new thinking in the bedroom in order to prevail. This can be a slow, subtle process, with the intention of not scaring her off. In other words, don’t install mirrors and a swing right away – build up to it.
  • Ask her what she wants and don’t take “I like what we do just fine” as an answer. If she sees that you are generally interested in her sexual well being, then she might eventually ask you what you want her to do for you.

Final thoughts

The most important thing to remember is not to get frustrated. Everybody wants to have better sex, even if they have a great sex life. The trick is not to make your partner feel inadequate when you broach the subject, and not to get frustrated with her is she is uncomfortable talking about it. Do it right, do it slowly, and you will be doing it right for a long, long time.

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