Having trouble breaking up with a persistent girlfriend but really want to try and avoid being the “asshole” who broke her heart? Trapped in a never ending relationship that is boring you to tears, but hoping to salvage the friendship after the break up? You need a bona fide break up – a break up done in good faith that can survive all post-break traumas and tribulations. What’s the key to achieving such a feat?
The tips for initiating and surviving a successful break up involves recognizing the right time, the appropriate means, and the best fall out measures. Having successfully executed the bona fide break up, you need to plan to pick up the pieces and move on for once and all. Here’s how…
Avoiding a messy break up is easier said then done. What is required to break off a relationship is largely determined by what went into it. For example, breaking off a three month rendezvous with a fling is considerably less stressful then bringing a close to a three year love affair. Regardless of the level and duration of commitment involved, all break ups should be handled as gingerly as possible.
Many of the methods people use to try to avoid the discomfort of break ups often make the situation much worse. For example, trying to get a girl to break up with you before you dump her, or trying to ignore her long enough that she just “gets the picture.” None of these constitute a successful bona fide break up, so ditch the avoidance tactics and follow this more tactical advice.
First of all, you need to recognize the right time and place for the break up. The right time should be considered to be none of the following: within 24 hours and your last sexual encounter, within 12 hours of your last romantic dinner for two, within one month of the death of a meaningful person in her life (well, I think you get the picture).
In order to negotiate a successful break up, you must ensure that she is not at her most emotionally vulnerable in advance. In terms of the best place for the break up, you have several options – all of which are located on “her turf.” Her home is probably the best location because she feels most comfortable and confident there, and when the trouble clears, you can make a clean get away. Alternately, her favorite park, coffee shop or ice cream shop – though you might steer clear of busy public places, where she might feel embarrassed or self conscious.
Once you have spoken your peace and as truthfully as possible explained your reasons for the break up, it is time for damage control. Chances are, if she is upset by the break up, she will try to contact you shortly afterwards. In response, you do not want to appear inconsiderate. You should try to address some of her immediate concerns, without getting lured into her emotional distress. The key is not to be a shoulder for her to cry on – that’s what her girlfriends are for. You must present yourself as if you are as equally upset by the break up, but just slightly more in control of your emotions.
The next key to ensuring the bona fide break up is allowing time for the both of you to heal. The amount of time required will vary from person to person, but it is safe to say that for one month following the break up you should try to avoid upsetting her any further. This would include dating any of her friends, taking a new girl to her favorite breakfast spot or local pub, or hosting wild parties and inviting everyone but her. After you think you have allowed enough time to heal, you might try to initiate “friendly contact.” Leave a message for her or send an email that is light and funny, nothing serious, indicating that you hope you can be buddies down the road.
If you have handled the situation well, the woman you dated is fairly emotionally stable, and you have both successfully moved on, there is a good chance for friendship. However, if there is anger, resentment, bitterness or unresolved feelings involved, you must be prepared for the potential fallout. This could include 20 phone calls a night, unannounced visits to your home or workplace, or worse – some form of personal sabotage.
Your best avoidance of the fallout, is of course, not to carry on with emotionally unstable women. But if it’s too late for avoidance, you next best bet is risk management. If the situation seems to be spirally out of control, you might ask someone who is close to her to step in – one of her best friends or relatives. Assuming that they will act in a more reasonable manner, they might be the only ones capable of convincing her to redirect her negative energy, and start the healing process.
A good faith or bona fide break up should help to avoid bitterness down the road. In the end, it is about doing as little harm to your partner as necessary, and preserving your own emotional well being as well. Having achieved the first stages of the bone fide break up, and survived any of the unfortunate fallout, it is then time to pick up the pieces and move on. In order to ensure that you make a clean break it is important not to engage in the widely revered “break up sex”.
This seems to occur quite regularly as a couple who are accustomed to regular sex come to the realization that they will soon be without it. While it might provide one last chance to enjoy time with a woman, it also sets the progress of the break up back dramatically and is almost always a source of regret for one or both parties involved. Either one person enjoys and the other does not, or one (guess who?) has an emotional break down in the middle or at the end of the encounter, and the other feels like walking out the door and not looking back.
Sound like a scene from a dramatic movie that you might have seen in the theater last year? While it may seem as dramatic, it is not half as entertaining as you might expect. The headache of phone calls, emails, and unresolved feelings that ensues will be enough to make you wish you never encountered break up sex, and never caught wind of the movie either. So stick to you guns (and maybe a cowboy western movie next time?), and good luck with ending it for once and for all.