Girl on You: Introducing your Girlfriend to Porn

Published on Author GG RayLeave a comment

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There is a lingering stereotype that girls don’t like watching porn. While boys are introduced to girly mags and porn fairly early on in their sexual development, the girls’ sexuality often develops in a very different, private way. Girls don’t understand the culture of watching porn in groups, since they are socialized to declare porn “disgusting” and “degrading” whether or not they believe it to be true. Take a woman who is socialized to believe that sex and sexuality are intellectual endeavors, and mix in healthy dose of women’s lib and what you have is a woman who is, at the very least, conflicted about her relationship to porn.

If a younger woman is exposed to porn, likely, it is in secret. And this secret is not just kept from adults, it is often kept from her friends for fear that they might think she is some sort of deviant for enjoying watching people get off. She might fear that she is contributing to the degradation of women by enjoying porn. And once you have those feelings of shame embedded in your first porn experiences, they can be hard to shake.

“Female-friendly” porn

Candida Royalle is one of the most mainstream “woman-friendly” porn producers working today. She started her film company, Femme Productions Inc., in 1984, a so-called woman-centred porn company that caters to stereotypes of women’s sexuality: there are plotlines, “real” actors, and the sex is softly lit and sensual. With lots of foreplay and hetrosexual sex, the covers of these movies bring to mind the stereotypical Harlequin romance novel covers with long-haired, virile men and yielding women.

Royalle has produced many titles in her years in the industry, and is arguably one of the most mainstream woman-focussed porn producers for the heterosexual crowd. You can even entice your lady by telling her that Royalle has pedalled her wares on both Oprah and the Tyra Banks show, if that’ll get you anywhere.

Candida Royalle’s stuff is for the porn novice. It is what people think women may want to see: there are no genital close-ups, there is a plot so that your lady can get somewhat “emotionally engaged” with the characters, and the women’s bodies are nice, but not carnivalesque. They have curves and their breasts may even be natural; they are fit, but not grotesquely thin, and they don’t look like blow-up dolls. But is this really what your lady wants?

The reality is that women’s taste in porn is just as varied as men’s. Some women like watching straight hetero porn, some like a bit of bondage, some like watching two men go at it. Films that are “made for women” are often less intimidating and more vanilla: a good start if your lady is resistant, but probably not for everyone.

Does there have to be a plot?

What is it about women needing plots in their porn? Men are often happy with the thinly-veiled guise of plot in their porn (if any at all), because they are just there for the main event. A pizza is ordered; the co-eds waiting haven’t a cent: perhaps an arrangement can be agreed upon…cue the bass guitars. There is an attempt to key into male fantasies (hot teachers, horny librarians, sexed-up nannies), but, more often than not, a basic costume indicating the players (glasses, bun and short skirt for the librarian, private school uniform for the boy) is about as far as they need to go.

Some women like plots in their porn because it allows them to become more emotionally attached to the characters, which fulfils an emotional element for them that is missing in male-oriented porn. I once read a quote by a female comedienne who said “If I watch porn for ten minutes, I want to have sex for hours; if I watch porn for twenty minutes, I never want to have sex again.” While it is a fallacy that women are not turned on my sexual imagery, as some feminists and scientists like to argue, the reality is that some women cannot turn off their brain, and it takes them much less to be turned off than it takes men.

If you are watching porn with your lady, start getting in the mood before you start watching it: put her in an amorous frame of mind. Then, once you turn it on, give her the remote control. This let her feel in control of what she is watching. If she starts feeling uncomfortable, she can simply fast-forward or pause the film. This distracting element can be many things: a particular act, a particularly bad boob job, or watching a woman being fingered by another woman with really long fingernails (ouch!). The key is to prevent her from being distracted from her arousal.

Before you pick out a movie together, talk about what turns her on visually, in men’s and women’s bodies, sexual positions, fetishes, and so on. It may take a while for her to figure out what it is that turns her on if she has been resistant to porn in her life. Conversely, you may find out that she knows exactly what she likes and, in fact has a few favorites hidden in her toy drawer.

Once you both know what you like, go to a sex-positive site like Good Vibrations, which reviews films of many genres (including classics, fetish and bondage, couple-friendly, female directors, gay and lesbian, and beginner). They review not only the film quality and plot, but give highlights (such as whether not there is anal, gay, natural bodies, female orgasms, etc.) so that both of you have an idea of what you are signing on for. Even better, you can order the videos right online, so that you don’t have to make the trek to some seedy adult video store.

Many women are intimidated by the concept of watching porn with a partner. Some feel that their bodies will be compared to that of the porn stars, and some feel that you shouldn’t need outside stimulus if you are attracted to them. There are many others, however, who might just be waiting for that little sign from you that it is okay to watch and be aroused by porn. Like toys, they can be used in moderation to provide a little something different to get you off.

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