Sports euphemisms have been used to describe sexual acts for as long as sex has been taboo and sports have been around. So, forever. These euphemisms range from the Meatloaf’s embellished wedding reception classic, “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” and its baseball pay-by-play of a young man getting suckered into lifelong servitude for wanting to score that homer, to the simple, everyday dating jargon of scoring, win-to-loss ratios and batting averages.
But baseball isn’t the only sport that can be exploited as a sexual euphemism. What better way to welcome the return of the real man’s sport, hockey, than to turn it into a twisted game of sex penalties and team uniforms.
This game is meant for those who want to add some spice and experimentation to a sex life that has perhaps lagged behind as your relationship has settled into a “comfortable” zone. If you find yourself desiring each other less and less and using the same old tried-and-true techniques, then take a few plays out of the “He Shoots, She Scores” playbook.
If you review your hockey schedule for the season, you will notice that no team gets more than one night off during the regular season. Following the hockey season’s lead alone is going to up the ante in your sex life!
This game, as with any naughty game, will revolve around the dark side of hockey: the penalties. One thing that gets in the way of your sex life, whether you know it or not, is the tedium that sometimes goes along with dating for a while or living together.
Instead of eye rolling and fighting over the same old habits every week (taking out the garbage, laundry, washing dishes, who is not getting enough attention, nagging), try setting up your own penalty system. Get yourself a set of recipe cards and a pen. This is going to take some creativity on your part, and you can tailor the cards to your personal tastes if you like. The point of the cards is transforming those things that irritate you into opportunities to grow closer in other ways: fun, naked ways!
You can play this one of two ways: either you can keep the cards in a pile and the person who is penalized has to pick the top card and perform the activity to the other’s satisfaction. The other way is that the person against whom the penalty was perpetrated gets their choice of what penalty they want to draw. Doing this instead of getting annoyed works two ways: it is much more fun to have an orgasm than a sulk fest; and attaching behaviour to sexual activity will probably make it stick in your brain a while longer than just the same old nagging.
Taking the lead from the official NHL rule book, pick some penalties that sound interesting to you and build an activity around them. Each person has the opportunity to nix any activity, or negotiate the terms of the activity, before it goes into the pile. This is not about pressuring your partner into activities they would normally find gross or degrading. It is about finding things that the two of you might enjoy that you haven’t tried yet, or in quite a while.
Here are some examples of penalty cards you can draw up:
- Holding: Since this penalty is about restraining someone unnecessarily, this can be a foray into bondage. This doesn’t have to be hardcore leather and ball gags (but it can be!). Bondage can start out with something as innocent as a silk scarf (or even some satin sheets) or a housecoat belt. Anything long enough will do. The person who draws this card gets to choose whether they want to be the person who is bound, or the person playing with their bound partner. Once bound, you can choose to use a blindfold or not, and then experiment with different sensations on your partner’s body: feathers, lube, hot wax, chocolate and whipped cream. The sky is the limit.
- Roughing: Along the lines of holding, this could take the rough play a little further. You could delve into the dominant/submissive dynamic as deeply as you like, experimenting with a little spanking, perhaps some light whips. If pain isn’t your thing, do not assume it’s not your partner’s. This could give you new insight into how power dynamics play out in the bedroom. Always respect each others’ boundaries, however. If pain isn’t your thing, simply dressing up in a little fetish gear for each other could suffice for this penalty card.
- Hooking: Ready for a little role-playing? One of you gets to be the paid escort while the other calls the shots. You could even take this one out in public, with one of you approaching the other at a bar, dressed as their hired gun for the night.
- Three-on-one, or Too many men on the ice: This one could open up the idea of a multi-partner affair—a threesome, or perhaps a swinging evening with another couple. Chances are it will get shut down as quickly as it is raised, but it is worth raising right? If multiple human partners are not feasible, take a trip to the sex toy shop and see what you can find in terms of surrogate parts for multiple partners: see what you can do with dildos, vibrators, plugs and the like. You may find a new “partner” in your play that you never before considered.
- Butt-ending: I think this speaks for itself. If either of you has ever thought about anal penetration (hers or yours!), then this is the card for you! Be open to butt play for both of you. Don’t just assume this is the go-card for that third orifice.
- Face-off: Okay, so this isn’t a penalty, but who doesn’t want a card that calls for unlimited oral sex?
You can add other card to the mix as well. For instance, if you are into role playing, throw in franchise cards. Drawing the Penguins can mean decking yourself out in a tux. The dress up can also lead to role-playing: a little King/peasant game perhaps? A little bathtub action for the Sharks and the Ducks?
It really isn’t a true game without a little gambling. A friendly bet to throw into the game? Why not wager a hat trick on your part (get her to come three times before your one) versus a trophy for her stick handling prowess (she has to get you off three completely different ways in an 8 hour span). These will both take a lot of work and dedication, but god willing, if the team is up for it, it’s going to be a good season!