I heard it said that make up sex is the best sex you can have. I have also heard it said that it’s even better when you are still angry: nasty hate sex that is selfish and combative. While some people slide in and out of relationships with great ease, there are others who need to keep the spark alive in order to keep them interested. How you keep that spark alive, however, could be unhealthier than just letting the relationship go.
Many people believe that hate is not the opposite of love, that they are in fact siblings. Hate is born out of hurt and anger, and no one can hurt us like the ones we love and trust. Indeed, indifference seems as though it would be the opposite of love. If someone hates you, at least they feel strongly about you. Conversely, if they are indifferent, it would seem that you elicit no strong feelings in them either way.
If you are in a relationship with someone who just seemed indifferent to your presence, you can get to feeling worthless, unlovable. But if you are in a tempestuous relationship that always seems to be at a boiling point, whether it be one of anger or passionate love, you know that, no matter what, you are always making an impact on the other person’s life.
How long can a relationship last at that pitch, though? And what will happen when it calms down?
When a relationship is tempestuous, it is never, ever boring. Chances are that the sex is pretty good as well. How can that be a bad thing? It depends. Everybody has arguments in a relationship. They are a natural way to sort through your problems with the other person. If you never argue with your mate, then chances are that one or neither of you is being honest with the other person about things that bother you. Or maybe you are just perfectly in synch with each other. But I doubt it.
If you are starting to wonder if the way you fight is healthy or not, then ask yourself a few questions. In your past relationships, have you found yourself becoming bored with stability? If so, maybe you are afraid that you are going to turn into some old guy mowing the lawn in sandals and black socks, trying to drown out the nagging coming from the wife wearing your old sweats in the garden.
Here’s the thing: only you can stop yourself from becoming that. Staying in an unhealthy relationship may be more than exhausting; it may chip away at your perspective of what a healthy, worthwhile relationship is.
When you have fights, do you find that you resolve what you are arguing about? Arguing is healthy because it brings issues to the surface that should be hashed out. Having the same argument about your jealousy or her neediness over and over again is just as much of a rut as the lawn-mowing nightmare. How long before it stops being exciting and starts being so frustrating you want to crack your head against a wall?
Do you find yourself frequently baiting your mate or being bated by them so that you can have a good fight about, well, anything really? This is not always a problem. Sparring can be fun. It can alleviate stress in other areas of your life, and if your mate isn’t there to be your occasional whipping boy, then what is their role?
If you can keep this kind of sparring in check and in good fun, it can be a great release. It helps if you recognize that you are doing it, however, and if you don’t make a habit of it. The point is that getting hearts racing and blood boiling can be good for a relationship. It keeps the fire going.
If you find that you get angry or hurt in arguments to the point that you actually feel like you hate your mate, figure out why that is. There will always be arguments that happen when you just can’t seem to meet eye-to-eye on an issue, no mater how much you hash it out. Keep and eye on this, though: Do your arguments remain about the issue at hand, or do they turn into character assassinations and a dredging up of old issues?
We live in a very fast-paced world where everyone is looking for the next thrill. We need to be stimulated constantly, and many people believe that relationships are the same. The second that things appear to become mundane, our eye starts wandering for that next thrill. Not only has this become acceptable, it has become the expectation. In light of this, it is understandable that relationships are falling into the same category.
What we need to realize that, as much as we hate to admit it, there is a ceiling, a breaking point to excitement and stimulus. Much like a drug, passion fueled by mixed feelings of love and hate is a thrill, and the only way to keep that thrill alive is to keep upping the dosage until you crash. Nothing can stay at a boiling point forever without eventually boiling dry. And when that happens, there is always damage.
In the end, as with any relationship, the best you can do is try to remember who you were coming into the relationship. Ask yourself why it is you need this frenzied pace, and do not mistake love for passion. They are not always the same thing. If you find yourself in a tempestuous relationship, make sure you stay for the fun, because it’s a ride, but try not to stick around for the hurt, because any love that is that passionate has within it the seeds of an equally passionate hate. And if the ride spins out of control, you don’t want to be around for the carnage.