Office Nookie – You Got a Paper Cut Where?

Published on Author GG RayLeave a comment


Since the majority of us spend the better part of our sexual lives slaving away as office drones, it is natural that at some point, we are going to run across someone we work with that we are attracted to. Sure, you will run into those who say that office romance is nothing but trouble, but who said anything about romance?

Office sex is exciting, dangerous and it livens up every part of your work day. It gives you a reason to come into work in the morning, and to stay until there is no one else around.

Pros and Cons

Before we get into the nitty gritty of office romps, your should be aware of all of the reasons that it is a good idea—and a couple of things that could go wrong. First, let’s talk about why office sex is a great idea. If you have some flirting and serious sexual tension going on at work, it makes for an exciting, electrifying, stimulating place to be. Sure, your productivity levels will probably drop, but you have never had a better reason to get to work on time, and even stay a little late, after the boss has left for the day. So, while your productivity may be declining, the perception is that you are getting to work early and staying later than almost everyone. You look like a keener, and a damn hard worker. Remember, in our culture, it is the appearance of productivity that really counts.

When you are at work, what better way to keep you occupied during the occasional lag in your workload (you’re allowed to take breaks, aren’t you?!) to fire up that inter-office email or instant message service and flirt mercilessly with your office target. One of the great things about electronic communication is that it’s so much easier to be dirty online than it is in person. I guarantee you that if someone is interested in you, they will say things electronically that they would never say in person.

The two best reasons to have office sex are that you are actually having sex (can’t beat that) and that it is really naughty, prohibited sex. If you are found boinking in the copy room, and it’s not the office holiday party, you might be fired. If you get off on the danger of having sex in public places, however, this is the ultimate in nasty. These are your colleagues, and you are risking your reputation, not to mention possibly your job. What could be nastier? Also, you have met your match finding a girl who is just as willing to risk it all for a little taste of you half way through the day. That’s good and nasty.

There are reasons why some folks will not “dip their pen in the company ink.” Some of these reasons do not apply to a strictly sexual office relationship, and some do. For instance, your company may have a policy against employee fraternizing. You know, this one doesn’t really count in this situation because really, even if they don’t have a strict “policy,” and you get caught having sex at work, you’ll probably get at least a stern talking to. Something about public sex being illegal, blah, blah, blah.

Also, keep your eye on the new Big Brother of the corporate world: the IT guys. Since it’s not 1984, however, you can send pics and dirty texts on your cell phone. Just make sure to set it on vibrate and place it carefully where it counts.

Finally, the worst part of the office romp, as with anything, is when it ends. Make sure before you start chasing an office skirt that you have checked around to see if she has a big mouth around the office cooler (if she gossips about others, she’ll do it to you), or that she doesn’t have a history of going all Fatal Attraction. You don’t need to experience the wrath of angry “I-thought-we-were-in-a-relationship” girl in the close, close quarters of your work place.

Where, When, How

There are three levels of the office sex romp. The first level, strictly for beginners and amateurs. This is type of sex romp that involves low level flirting followed by some messy, half-mast drunk sex after an office party or happy hour. This sex is often followed by several weeks of awkwardness, and possibly some nasty words said to your face or behind your back. Making this amateur mistake will ruin your chances for higher-level sex play in the office and probably earn you a reputation of being kind of a jerk (and possibly a bad lay, depending on how drunk you were).

The second level of office sex play involves a little more planning, legwork, and excitement. You start with some flirting and see if she responds. After a while, you invite her out for happy hour drinks, with the gang. The flirting continues, but neither of you wants anyone at work to know, so you start by having a hot make out session behind the bar or on the way home. Here is the key to this one: don’t sleep with her right away.

I know that this seems counter-intuitive, and maybe downright crazy, but the longer you wait and carry on your office flirtation, the more exciting and daring the flirtation will get, and the more desperate she will be to get into your pants. Do not seem like you are rejecting her, because women are not used to sexual rejection and we take it very hard (no pun intended). This is a delicate dance. Tell her how much you want her, but that you just can’t because it’s against company policy. Or that you are dying, but you have a really strict policy on not mixing work and relationships. By the end of a few short weeks, she will be so worked up that she will be the one fumbling with your fly, saying “Forget a relationship—I just really need to nail you NOW.”

What makes this second level is that you will only have sex with this co-worker outside of the office, but never mix pleasure with business. The vast majority of your flirting goes on inside the office, and you only get together after work-related events (which you will soon be making up just to get in each others’ pants), but you restrict the dirty for places outside the office, like your apartment or the alley behind your favorite drinking hole.

The third level of office sex occurs only in the office. Everything leading up to it is the same. It starts with a smile, and innocent flirtation, then a less innocent flirtation. Again, don’t consummate too soon. This will relieve the sexual tension too quickly and it will probably end up just being a one-time deal with possible backlash. Make her pursue it, and don’t give in until she begs. Women like it when men play hard-to-get as well. Especially when we are offering ourselves up. Also, the lustier she gets the more likely it will be that she will do impulsive, dirty things in inappropriate places.

To tease her, go to her office/cubicle and speak nothing but business as you run your hand up her thigh. If you pass her in the hallway, make a quick discrete grab at any indiscrete part of her body that you have access to. Send her raunchy text messages during the day about what you want to do to her. Be specific about what, and describe what room in your office you would like to take her in. Whenever she passes those places form now on, they will make her think of nailing you.

The bane of the office sex romp is the trend of “open concept” offices, but there are always nooks and crannies you can find. Where, you ask? If you share an office building with several other companies why not a washroom on another floor? If you are expected to work late, why not an open office or boardroom? And if you can’t, why not slip away at noon and have a dirty little rendezvous at a hotel nearby? If you are on a high floor, a grope in the stairwell will work. Even if anyone used the stairs, you would hear them coming, hopefully before you do.

Office sex can be some of the most exciting, naughty sex you will encounter. With the right partner, it can go on for a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months. Invariably, unless the sexual electricity between the two of you is overwhelming, one of you will probably want to move on or maybe take the relationship in a different direction. Until that awkward turning point, enjoy days filled with unbearable sexual tension, and nights looking forward to work in the morning!

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