Have talks about your past sex life ever felt more like the Spanish Inquisition than a way to get to know each other better? Has an open-minded question and answer period with your new girlfriend come back to haunt you later in the relationship?
It’s a fact of life that women are jealous creatures. When it comes to talk of past lovers and ex’s, there is a good chance your new woman is going to have a bad reaction. You need to know how to work damage control and prevent your past love life from haunting your new one.
There are five rules when it comes to keeping those skeletons locked in the closet: use discretion, portray the past in a positive light, avoid intrusion, be responsible, and trust your instincts. Follow these closely, and you will have the best chance of making your relationship last with your new lover, and avoiding her jealous side once and for all.
Discretion is crucial when it comes to talking about and dealing with your past love life. What you shared with another person should remain personal, and even though your new lover is likely to interrogate you for the details, you must be very careful about sharing these with her.
The most common question that we all must harbour from the new lover is – how many people have you slept with? This is a very difficult question to answer, and as you probably know – the goal is to first have some idea as to what her number is. If her number remains completely unknown and you are not comfortable disclosing your true figure, then you must discretely present a number that is both believable and non-offensive.
From there, other questions are likely to arise: What was your last girlfriend like? How long were you together? Why did it end? Who came before her? These may be followed by even more dreaded questions: Have you ever had a one night stand? Paid for sex? Had a threesome?
You must use your personal discretion when answering all of the above questions. The goal is to be as honest as possible about your past – unless you honestly think that it will upset her. Then your job is to disclose only the most vital and relevant information to subside her curiosity, and swiftly attempt to change the topic (without her noticing that you are avoiding the conversation…)
When using discretion during these conversations there are some major no-no’s that you must try to avoid. Avoid disclosing anything about how “hot” or “sexy” any of your past lovers were. Also avoid sharing what you admired most about your former girlfriends. Generally – the least said the better.
The less information she has, the less she will have to get upset about. And most importantly, lock those old photographs and love letters away – no girl wants to be constantly reminded of your past love life. If a certain “someone” from your past likes to check in late at night, you would also be well advised to turn that ringer off, and listen to your answering messages in private.
The second rule for locking the skeletons away is to portray your past love life in a positive light. Do not share any of your regrets about past lovers with your new girlfriend. Say things like “It was fun while it lasted” and “She just wasn’t the one.”
If you make your new girlfriend think that you made lots of mistakes in your past, she will worry about more mistakes in your future. Also, if you talk negatively about your girlfriends, she is likely to do the same. So make all your past relations seem positive, and not very serious. She is likely to ask less questions if she believes there are no juicy details to discover.
The third rule for helping to keep your skeletons locked up – is to avoid digging for any of her skeletons. At the same time you are using discretion when it comes to your own past, you should avoid being intrusive into hers. Even though she might want to talk about her past lovers and the good and bad things about her other relationships, you are well advised not to dig too deep into her vault. First of all, you never know what floodgates you might open. Secondly, it opens the door for her to ask even more questions of you. So tread lightly into the story of her sexual history, and remain focused on what you share in the present.
The fourth rule involves being responsible about your past lovers and sexual adventures and about your future with the new woman. If you know that you are likely to run into old flames with your new beau in tow, it is best to first warn her. Or if you believe that STD checks should be completed before you commit to an ongoing sexual relationship with someone, you will have to be responsible about where you have been and what protective measures you took in the past.
The final rule requires you to trust your instincts when it comes it your own skeletons. You might be open to sharing information about your past when the time feels right, and that should be a good enough answer for whoever is asking all the questions. Or you might sense that the truth of your sexual past will not be well accepted and that may affect how much you can relax and trust your new girlfriend in the end.
Regardless, no one knows your past better than you, so split the good from the bad and the ugly and feel confident about sharing a piece of yourself with a new lover and friend. What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her – as long as you have followed the rules and kept those dirty old skeletons in check.