Southern Styles: Maintenance for the Boys Below

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Boys-Below

Today’s modern man has evolved to a point beyond that of their fathers and grandfathers—they know the difference between a blanket and a duvet, they don’t mind their girl picking up the tab from time to time and they know that bi weekly pube maintenance is not something restricted to the xx set. Not sure where to start? Read on for the best style match for your boys below.

The Action Hero

Though some guys may feel strange about being bare down there, this style not only feels clean and cool, it also helps to make the most of what you’ve got; namely, it looks bigger! Depending on how much hair you’ve got and how coarse it is, you’ll want to repeat this style ritual at least three times a week to keep stubble from forming. Make sure to lather up with a quality shaving cream (don’t use soap) and shave your pubes, balls and any other stray hairs in a slow, fluid motion. Shaving with the grain will prevent ingrown hairs and razor burn. To those who have the epiphany of using some of your girl’s depilatory cream from the cupboard, I have two words for you: chemical burn. Do you really want that on your balls? Right. Stick with the razor.

The Bare Naked

Lady Contrary to the name of this style of grooming, you will want to keep a good deal of hair for this one. First, take a pair of sharp beard trimming scissors and trim the hair down to a uniform, medium length (about 3-4 inches). After that, lather up the sides of your pubes and shave away any unruly strays so that your hair forms a neat rounded triangle up top. This style is for a fun, mellow kind of guy—a smiling, goateed sweetie who we’d like to set up with our sisters and girlfriends (much like the style’s namesake).

The Rock Star

A though one to pull off but if you have a sex, drugs and rock n’ roll life philosophy, this may be the one for you. You want to take your beard scissors and trim your pubes down about an inch long. Make sure to leave behind those random stray hairs (it’s rock n’ roll, baby!). Next, shave your balls with your razor after lathering up with shaving cream in long strokes with the grain of your hair. After sporting the same pair of jeans for a couple of days (preferably commando), skip the shower and mix that sweat on your balls with a little splash of bourbon to sweeten your manly scent. One more squeal of that guitar and you’ll have that pleather miniskirt off of her in no time flat.

The Frat Boy

Done a keg stand in the last six months? Have an affinity for salmon coloured polo shirts? Dated girls with pearl stud earrings and Daddy’s credit card? If you answered, “yes” to any of these questions, this style will fit you like a pair of finely pressed khakis. You want to use the scissors to trim down your pubes, hair on your balls and your other extremities to a neat crop cut of about half an inch. No shaving will be needed in this mix (a frat boy doesn’t shave any part of his body, except his face).

The Marley

This is the low maintenance beauty of the bunch and best for a guy that has a laid-back beach bum type of life. Put away those scissors and razors—you want to grow those puppies out as long as you can! Daily maintenance can be done from the comfort of your own couch during your quality bong/TV time. You’ll want to grab your hair lightly in small bunches and twist them together with a bit of beeswax, making sure to rub the hairs together between your thumb and forefinger before twisting them into your mini dreds. The beeswax will work as a water resistant sealant and will help to keep the shape of your natty strands below. Your chances of getting laid with this style will increase greatly if you learn how to surf/snowboard/skateboard and add a string of leather around your neck with something like a seashell or shark tooth on the end. There’s a reason surfer boys are always getting some.

The Masochist

If pain is your bag this one will really get your blood pumping. You will want to trim your hair down a tiny bit so that it’s not a tangled mess before you head to the esthetician. Make sure to leave enough hair so that they can still get a solid grip and wax the hair in one easy motion. For a first time wax, I would suggest heading to a professional rather than at home. Make sure to do your research and find a reputable, clean establishment or your wax session could result in something you maybe didn’t bargain for like torn skin or bruised legs. You will want to ask them to wax your pubes and the outer area surrounding it. The beauty of this one is that it will last much longer than shaving and the hair will come back softer and finer than before. To give yourself that little sting of pleasure, splash some witch hazel onto your newly waxed skin.

The Divorcée

Back in the dating game and don’t know where to start? You want to steer clear of any 70’s style bush like those in the porn collection that you just brought up from your dusty hiding spot in the basement. Like men, women are attracted to a man that’s fit, healthy and youthful. This is more of an attitude and way of living than a question of age so rest easy. Be sure to trim your hair to a modest, medium length and keep the area clean with daily showers and a dime sized bit of moisturizer on your balls to keep them soft and young looking. Maybe you want to wipe out those grey hairs that you’ve spotted in the mix below—be sure to select a hair colour that looks natural to next to your skin tone and do a patch test on the top part of your pubes before you apply to the rest of the area. Once you’re certain that no reaction will occur, feel free to wash those greys away and rediscover yourself from ten years earlier.

This is just a sampling of the many styles that you may try out until you find the right fit. Some can be mixed and matched to create a style of your very own. Keep in mind that this is also a fantastic way to explore that alter ego without letting on to anyone at the grocery store, the office or on the golf course. On the outside: navy pinstripe suit, tassel shoes, white shirt with french cuffs and red silk tie, but under those black boxer briefs, lies the hidden style of a bourbon swilling star ready to salute those about to rock.

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