One thing that is bound to happen in a long-term relationship is that, eventually, some of the sizzle is going to get lost in the shuffle of your every day lives. As you get busier, and get to know what makes each other’s bodies tick, you start to focus on efficiency rather than passion when it comes to lovemaking.
As you become more secure in your relationship, you sometimes forget that physical intimacy in the bedroom is as important as emotional intimacy outside of it. You start to put time for sleep above time for sex in your list of things to do. If you do take time for sex, it is efficient: hit all the right buttons, and you know you can get off and get to sleep at a reasonable hour.
When you are new to the relationship, and new to each other, however, this is not a problem. The reason is that you are just learning about each other. Everything about your new partner is new and exciting—how she smells, her underwear, learning what makes her tick and recognizing the signs that she’s ready to pounce.
How do you recover this novelty in your sex life when you feel like you’ve both run out of tricks? The key is to try and keep it new. There are a million ways to play in the bedroom—and out of it. Here are just a few ideas to freshen up a sex life that has become a little stale and predictable.
Share Your Fantasies
Every person has fantasies that they would like to try. If your partner tells you that she doesn’t, it is most likely because she is shy or embarrassed. New millennium or no, women are still taught that good girls don’t act “slutty,” which is to say that they don’t take control of their sexual pleasure. If this is the case, then you need to make her feel that you will be completely non-judgemental. If she is still unable to tell you, then have her write it down, whisper it to you or share it in an online chat session. Part of the embarrassment is that she may just not be used to using the words she needs to describe what she finds exciting.
This is one way in which online play can be really fun. Communicating online gives you just that wee bit of distance that might allow her (or you) to come out and say what each of you want to try. You can try chatting on an instant messenger service or meeting in an online chat room. Make a date to meet online late at night and each of you can share one fantasy.
You can decide together on a certain date when you are going to try out each others’ fantasies. This gives you both something to look forward to so you’re both nice and riled up by the time you can get your hands on each other.
Another alternative is phone sex. Sometimes people aren’t too comfortable with writing online. Talking over the phone late at night, both of you in bed, can also give you just enough space to be honest (sometimes it’s easier not looking your partner in the eye when admitting some of your screwier turn-ons!), but the phone also lets you hear the sound of your lover’s voice as they purr out their fantasy.
A big part of fantasy play is role playing. In role playing scenarios, you can make things new by actually taking on the persona of other people. Think about how liberating it is to don a costume or a mask and clown around. Now think of how sexy your conservative girlfriend would look all decked out in a platinum blond wig, sitting at the bar waiting for some stud to come and buy her a drink and then slip her his hotel room key.
Some people like to keep the role playing at home, experimenting with costumes. Many of the scenarios you will find yourself in will play with power and authority. Let’s face it, we all have an inner bad child who needs to be spanked by a hot teacher.
We all need to feel vulnerable or powerful in different ways, and sex is a way we can play with those roles. Sometimes you need to be the fireman rescuing a damsel in distress and sometimes you need to be a naughty boy who needs to be disciplined. You may find that you and your partner each slip into an affinity for being more or less vulnerable or powerful in your play, and this could take you into more daring adventures in the future!
Many people think that sex toy shops are strictly for gag gifts and lonely singles. In reality, the sex toy game has come a long way, and often the people who run these shops are very open, honest people who are really interested educating you about toys that will help you enhance your sex life. If your partner is too embarrassed to go into a sex shop, there are many, many virtual toy shops online that the two of you can peruse. You can even order toys to be delivered directly to your door so that you don’t have to worry about running into your neighbors at the local smut peddler.
Along with toys, these online stores often sell titles for erotic videos, books, and costumes (for your role playing!). While there are many women who have mixed feelings about porn, there are some erotic titles and series that contain less of the hardcore humping close ups and more romantic plot (women have sex with their brains—it’s just the bottom line). Even women who enjoy porn admit that there’s always a part of them that feels kind of bad or wrong watching it because there’s just a degrading tenor.
As an alternative, try ordering some erotic fiction and read it aloud to her (or buy an audio book so your lips are free to do other things to her). Let her tie you to the bed and read it in a whisper into your ear. The beauty of erotic fiction is that no matter what is going on in the plot, you can imagine anyone you want (including yourselves) in the lead roles. There is no cast of people who have impossible bodies to make you feel bad; there are no actors whose lives you can’t help wondering about: the cast of literature are the people in your head, as you imagine them, not as you are told to imagine them.
The key to rejuvenating your sex life is to break out of the norm. When you are first together, you think about having sex all the time. Find innovative ways to make it new again, so that you can regain that feeling of having the unknown of what could unfold in the sack tugging at your brain and reminding you just how sexy your partner is.