If you find that you are repeatedly and unsuccessfully dating the same type of girl, the problem might not be the girls you are dating, but more general: the “type” you are drawn to. While it is stereotypical to say that so many diverse women in the world can fit into just a few category types, it is your perception of what you will get out of these girls, arising from your stereotype perceptions, that are most telling about your personality.
When we are looking for a mate, whether we do it consciously or not, we are drawn to those people who fulfill a need in us. As difficult as this is to admit, oftentimes, when we start dating someone, we get exactly what we are unconsciously looking for, even if it doesn’t seem like the healthy conscious choice. Take a look at these different types of women, pick out who you would be most drawn to, and see what that says about what you are looking to fill or fulfill in your own life. If your choices often turn out to be bad for you, maybe working on that thing in your personality that makes you choose these women is what you should be focussing on.
The Party Girl is a good time. She likes to have fun, seems like she is always the life of the party, and seems like a great casual catch. If you are drawn to her, you are probably drawn to the idea that she is going to be low maintenance and fun. You want something that isn’t too deep, but provides you with much entertainment and excitement. You feel like there will never be a dull moment with this girl.
Your Part: If you are drawn to a Party Girl, don’t be one of those guys who is attracted to her magnetism and then quickly tries to squash it by wanting to be “couple-ish.” While this might be on her agenda–it’s possible she’s looking to slow down–if you keep getting told you are “smothering” women, then you need to take a look at yourself. Do you want to be around Party Girl because she is fun and confident in order to compensate for the fact that you aren’t totally confident in social situations? Someone can’t make you fun (although, unfortunately, you can make someone un-fun with too much pressure). If the thing that draws you to a person then makes you insecure when you are with them, that is not their fault. Take a look at your self-esteem and build it with someone who is more your speed.
Conservative Girl is at the other end of the spectrum. Ironically, it is often the party guys that go for Conservative Girl (leading their friends to subsequently blame Conservative Girl for dulling out their boy). This girl is reserved in social situations. She isn’t the wittiest, but she thinks you are very funny (and that’s really more important, isn’t it?). She is sweet—the kind of person who could take home to Mom; the kind of girl that is the “marrying” type. When you start dating her, though, she starts reigning in some of your behaviour, with her furrowed brow and protests at some of your more off-colour humour. So you begin chipping away at your own personality until one day you realize that she has made you into something you never wanted to be.
Your Part: No one can make you into something you don’t want to be. If you are a little on the crazy side, and you want to simmer down a bit, you are going to look for a partner who will help you do so. She is also a great scapegoat for your friends to blame your more sedate behaviour on. If you find that the re-shaping often goes too far, and you find that you just aren’t having fun anymore, you might want to consider looking at who the people around you expect you to be, and decide for yourself who you want to be, so that you have control over the process. If you stay with Conservative Girl, you are choosing a path of predictability that is safe, and perhaps what you need. Just hope you don’t wake up years from now and miss the fun.
Who doesn’t feel like a million bucks when they have High-Maintenance Girl on their arm? She doesn’t have to be drop dead gorgeous, but she is always attractive and dressed and made up just so. She wouldn’t be caught dead with a hair out of place, wearing last season’s fad. This girl looks good, and it makes you look good. You probably enjoy your player lifestyle and expensive toys (her counted among them). I am not implying that the high maintenance girl doesn’t have substance—a girl can look good and have a brain—but if you find yourself with a string of high-maintenance arm candy and it’s not working for you, you don’t have to go far to figure out why.
Your Part: If one of your considerations about breaking up with a girl is that she’s just so damn hot, you might want to take a look at your need to be around pretty things. Not pretty people—pretty things. Pretty toys are expensive, and if their glitter is what you value in them, then you will end up paying for them. Not figuratively—literally. There is a fine balance between looking after your woman and paying for a kept woman. If you wind up feeling used, ask yourself how you were using them as well, and work toward choosing a partner who makes you feel valued for who you are, not what you can buy them. You’re worth more than that.
Alternative Girl can be divided into some subgroups: Art School Girl, Music Nerd Girl, Granola Girl. The common thread among all these categories is that all of these girls are in some way on the fringe of the status quo. There is something about them that is different than most girls—they usually have very strong passions and there is something whimsical and romantic about them. It might be an innocence or a crazy fire, but what you are drawn to is their uniqueness.
Your Part: If you find yourself continually getting your heart broken by these girls, take a look at why. Is it the combination of their innocence and their fringe lifestyle that led you to believe that your fragile ego would be okay in their hands? Do you find yourself feeling like your life is justified by their passions? If you have always felt slightly outside the fold of “normal,” you spend a lot of time looking for that someone who will make you feel less alone. But be careful when you find then that you don’t end up trying to absorb their lives and passions instead of using their presence to nurture your own. They too are looking for someone unique—but also someone who is their own person and is secure in being a little left of centre. These sprites cannot carry the both of you.
Not all relationship failure is your fault. But if you take a look at relationships that have failed—especially the ones that have failed miserably, no matter how hard you tried to make it work—you will invariably find that you had a part in the failure. There was something in you that chose (and perhaps keeps choosing) a person who ended up being very bad for you. There are always warning signs that we ignore. The trick is finding out why we ignore them, what need destructive relationships are filling, and how to avoid repeating pitfalls of the past.